Who in the world?

I wonder sometimes the meaning of life, not really the meaning of life, the meaning of me.

See i'm quite infatuated with myself, with who i am, with who i'm trying to be, i can't seem to think about to much of the world if i'm not in touch with myself, which is all the time.

So the world, the world in general, the starving babies of Africa, the political unrest in the Middle East, the homeless bums in the slums of Rio, they are in my mind, but not IN my mind.

I am enthusiastic about nothing but what I will do next, what I will be, who I will be, who am I going to see, who am I.

Who the fuck cares but me?

Why does the world not revolve around me? Why does the Government not look to me? Why am I not the leader? Why, when i lead myself, can i not be the leader? Who says i only think about myself? Do i? or is it the culture i live in which says i only think about myself? 

Is it culture? Who runs this world anyway?

You? Me?

Maybe the little old man that delivers the catalogues to our mailbox each week?

Chlo

And God created Chloe, for she looked not like a woman and not like a man, but an animal cross human who could devour each person with her eyes and forever be living. In pictures, in minds, in life.

The day

I felt

No obligations

I had

No strings nor attachments

I used 

No emotions 

I regretted

Nothing and everything.

It was a cold morning, i wore my fushia top; i liked my fushia top, i wore it because i thought it made me look healthy....and happy.

I parked my car, i wasn't nervous, but i hadn't had time to be, i had only woken up 2 hours ago.

I got to the door of the house, it was a nice house, his car was the only one in the driveway, that was no suprise, i pressed the door bell, chimes rang in a room far away. I could hear the sound of a shower and then silence, a spoon in a bowl rattled and i imagined the spoon sliding around the bowl when it was picked up.

Don't let you're head wander, focus on the prize.

A shadow appeared behind the frosted glass, Shit what have i gotten myself into? I barely know the guy.

He opened the door. Standing there he didn't look as handsome, as charismatic as i thought he would be, he seemed almost, normal.

His t-shirt was tight across his chest and i couldn't help thinking about what i would look like in it, in that t-shirt, his smell on my body.

Focus!

We smiled at eachother, the nerves had appeared, pleansantries exchanged as we leaned in to kiss eachother's cheeks, i leaned in for the hug, he didn't.

Pulling back slightly i fumbled as i spoke 'Oh i was going in for the hug, trying to be nice!'

He closed the door and still leaning in laughed and said sorry, he hugged me then, pulled me in tight and held me for a second too long.

It felt nice to be hugged, but i pushed my emotions away.

'After you' he motioned with his hand, where was he motioning?

I took a couple of steps down the hall way

'Just here, on the right, it's small, it's not much' He said in a way that was meant to sound apologetic, but really wasn't. 'No, no, it's fine, it's cool' sitting on his bed, single bed i felt like a kid about to be told off.

He sat on the other end of the bed, legs out. 

Was this happening? 

We chatted, talked about the agency we were both with, we did waitering,topless. 

He had been doing it for about 7 months now, me only 1, i had had two jobs and felt like a pro, he had had 7 and he was a pro.

Talking to him about it turned me on slightly, i wanted him to be jelouse of the guys that saw me just in my undies and heels. But there were my emotions again, i had to stop letting them rear up.

I was here for one thing, i knew it from the start and i had to know it at the end and that was sex.

To be continued.

A sexual Experience

A sexual experience is something not to be taken lightly.

A sexual experience is taken lightly.

A sexual experience is made in the light.